Atratus
Don Juan
Registered: Mar 2002
Location: Utrecht, Netherlands
Posts: 79 |
Ah, i believe we misunderstood one another, VeryBadGirl.
It's very true a relationship can be good and healthy as opposed to bad and unhealthy.
The way you spoke of it gave me the impression that it's a state of being you can attain and never leave, sort of like enlightment.
Just a case of terminologitis. Nothing serious http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/wink.gif
So now i'm wondering what makes a good relationship. Happiness, yes, but where does that come from? I won't answer that directly, but here you may find some useful thoughts.
We usually strive for certainty through a process of constant reaffirmation of commitment.
This doesn't mean you seek out temptations potential partners to cheat on and subsequently refuse to be tempted to affirm something; that's silly of course. It simply means considering the possibility of seperation, and, most importantly, how divorce might actually IMPROVE both your lives, socially or in any other way. Just don't tell me all your fantasies include your husband by default.
In light of these alternatives, we can reaffirm our commitments.
Why all that nonsense? Because it opens us to a wholly different kind of certainty - that of trust, of faith.
Not the promise we make, that no matter what happens we will try to keep things the same forever.
But certainty, knowing through experience, that both will thrive under constant change and challenge. We have pretty good hopes of thriving with every second of flux. Imagine the tragedy of divorcing with your lover for no reason at all. Don't just think that's absurd; imagine your husband or wife cutting off all contact and filing for divorce. Feel empty already? Let it make you feel sad, miserable, empty. But let beauty of the past and the potential the new life ahead make you grateful - just as grateful as when you were married.
So where do we draw the line? There's an awful lot of trust involved; i could easily dupe another, sucking other dry and tossing them aside by using such words as these as an excuse. But doesn't this empower you, therefore expose me as well? And besides, am i not capable of that already? It's the ultimate form of interresponsibility and interdependency. Trust comes out to play for once.
Drawing the line becomes arbitrary - not meaningless - just a nigh non-issue. You don't really need to draw lines, just a bit of sketching for practical purposes. When things go well, involvement and sensitivity drive out the need for certainty, especially verbal assurance. The lines become plain for both to see, even to cross. We just choose something beautiful and go for it. Preferably together.
"Who of us two is better?" i asked. "You" she says. "That's not true and you know it, but you say it in spite/despite/nonetheless (dunno how to translate it from dutch). You would value me more than our wisdom?" I ask. "I can only really value you if i follow wisdom. Otherwise it'd just be fake. But you're asking a stupid question so i can say it's you anyway. I can say whatever i want."
By now we can often use same words for different meanings, as words are but vessels that transmit a message. We've learnt to communicate the message forget about the words.
Easy? No; we're constantly on our toes. But we know we can always take the time to rest, to drop all the experimental barriers, retreat out of the mental action game, sit down, relax, talk, etc. We know all our thoughts and feelings are real, we invite all of them in, including jealousy, annoyance with the minor differences, etc. They do no harm; our feelings and sensations are just communications, impulses that can be responded to properly. And if done so, only 'good' will come of it, such as more feelings to work with.
Anyway these were some thoughts on the matter, but i'm finished now. I guess you said it better though, VeryBadGirl: if you're happy about it, it's ok.
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"And at last his post was come, and it appeared at the blessed site, and just as he was foretold, many that sought came upon it and saw it, and they were filled with great awe and wonder..."
from the History of Atratus
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